


A new day has begun

by mabomanji



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Flashbacks, M/M, Memories, Walking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 13:24:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2271330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabomanji/pseuds/mabomanji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky went to a bar to escape the pressure he feels whenever people expect him to remember his past. But tonight something has triggered flashbacks from his past and he jus can't stay inside anymore. He walks the streets of the city while walking through his memoris, good and unfortunatey bad as well. In all the darkness and loneliness a light shine and gives him hope for the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A new day has begun

**Author's Note:**

> The little titles in between the text are lyrics from Memories the song from the musical Cats that i was listening to a lot at that time. All the feels you need to have are in this song, despair, loneliness, sadness and irrepressible hope in the future.

Midnight, not a sound from the pavement

He tucked his hands deeper in the pockets of his leather jacket, trying to keep warm as much as he could now that he was walking the streets at night. Not a soul but him. His feet hitting the ground the only sound around. He was enjoying the night, when no one was around, no one that would look at him in a strange way. When even the people that helped him weren’t there to watch his every move. He found a little piece of freedom in these walks by night.

The houses were dark, the lights were gone, only scattered street lights shone on him from time to time. The sound of his breath was filling his ears, and he liked to see the steam escaping his mouth disappear in the darkness, like he wanted to disappear in the city streets himself. Unknown to anyone, unknown to himself, unknown to Steve.

Has the moon lost her memory?

Everyone had expectations of him. From the leader of these Avengers who just wanted to recruit him and use him as he was used all these years as an assassin, to the very friend he was supposed to remember and wasn’t at all. The pressure he felt when having a mission to accomplish was nothing compared to what he felt when people were waiting for him to spit a memory out. He could feel the disappointment surrounding him every single day when he arrived and got nothing new to offer. To meet Steve and try to talk to him was a torture. The man was basically spying his every move, asking him tons of questions.

He kicked a little rock in the street, listening to the little ricocheting noises it made, echoing against every wall like it was a pile of rocks he had hit.

He had no memories, what that made of him ? Did a man really need all these memories to be a full person ? Could he still live with them if he never regained his memories ?

He felt empty but at the same time he had experienced so much since he had fled after the battle that he felt complete.

He raised his eyes towards the moon, shining softly in the sky, her light barely seen compared to the city lights that were aggressively lighting the roads. She was the only guardian of the night now that the sun was gone. She was barely reflecting his light anyway. Whatever she did she could never shine as brightly as him. His thoughts stopped a little when he realized he was thinking about how himself could never be shining like Steve. He was merely giving back the hope and optimism that Steve had for him. Just trying to do what he was doing, being happy and open and kind as much as he could but feeling so tired and useless inside. He was stretching far from his self everytime he spoke to Steve.

She is smiling alone

But tonight something triggered an unexpected effect. Staying so close to Steve, day and night, watching his face every hour, seeing his reactions, the way he stood and walked, the way he talked and waited patiently for him to talk in return, must have had an impact on him. Everything just went white tonight in the bar after the third beer. And then shapes and forms were there for him to recognize. It was all blurry and like a dream that’s fading away when you wake up before you can even write down what it was about.

He smiled because finally he could feel his mind opening up, like a concrete wall beginning to crack. He couldn’t wait for it all to come down and break into pieces. It was like getting out of the bar and breathing the cold air after spending time in a closed and stuffed up place. Light and fresh. His mind finally out of the clouds that were suffocating him. He couldn’t help but smile and he wanted to walk and feel this newfound freedom, he couldn’t stay inside, he had to walk the world. He felt restless and quiet at the same time. He moved stealthily in the streets like a cat, jumping over puddles of rain, taking his time to disappear in the darkness between the streetlights. Breathing fresh air as much as he could.

In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet

He walked and walked, energy bursting inside of him, thoughts going in every direction. Taking each element he had seen in his flashes of memories one by one and trying desperately to link them to the things Steve said to him, to the stories he learned in the museum, to books he had read about America back in the 30s. He could feel he was only scratching the surface, that many memories were trying to find a way out. And he knew there was glory in them, light and happiness. He wanted to uncover those as quickly as he could. But he feared that for every happy moment unvailed he would have to deal with a gloomy and dark one. But he wanted to know more than anything now that he could feel he wasn’t an empty boy at all.

At the corner of the street the wind came in strong on him, freezing his face and ears, and suddenly he was lost in his thoughts, cold coming from inside, from his head and pouring in his heart like liquid ice. Something metal and cold surrounding him over and over again. Cold colors, blurry images of people around him just passing by, looking at him without any warmth in their eyes, just like he was a piece of furniture. He didn’t want to remember that, not now, he couldn’t believe his very first full memory would be of something he desperately wanted to forget.

He stopped in the middle of the street, the wind never letting him go, as was the memory in his head. He was being experimented on he knew that. And it was all for that damn arm of his. It was the start of it all, the start of him becoming The Winter Soldier. The start of a dark age he really didn’t want to know about. Not like this, alone on the street.

And the wind begins to moan

The sound of his heart blasted in his head. He couldn’t escape this memory, he had to accept it. And maybe in doing so let the other happier memories come back to him. He drew a tiny cold breath in his lungs, trying to ease his way in the memory, finally letting it flow on him and around him. Feeling the pain, the fright, the anger and frustration he felt at that time. He let it all in and after some moments his head cleared a little and he could breath freely again. The crisis gone he resumed his walking, easing the odd feelings he had, letting the rythm of his walk reassure him, his breath firm again. He was still shivering from the effort he had to produce to get away from this first memory. He braced himself for the next to come now. He knew it would become a real fight, and he knew how to face a proper fight even if this one was far too intimate for his taste. But he had a goal to achieve now, he could grasp what it meant for him to go through all his memories. It wouldn’t be pretty but he could make it and still stand on his two feet. This sense of purpose was a welcomed feeling after all this time being in a blur, not knowing what he should do or how he should react to his new life. Now he had a clear vision of where he wanted to go. Let him be shaken by memories ! He would get out of this nightmare eventually he was sure of that. And he would be able to face Steve without feeling guilt anymore.

Memory, all alone in the moonlight

Soon he started seeing things again, flashes of light, a new memory was already trying to get his attention, pushing through to get to his senses and hack them. Making him literally go back in time. He could feel the snow on his face where the mask didn’t cover his skin. He could hear his tactical team behind him, letting him have space in front of them. He had learnt by heart where every tree stood, the path clear in his head though it was pitch black in the forrest. He was soon close to his target and he didn’t waste a single second. Never hesitating, always perfectly prepared, that’s what they liked about him. He wanted to stop seeing this but he knew he had to go through again or he would never get to the good parts. And he surely hoped there was good parts in his memories. He could see how he stealthily creeped behind the man and broke his neck in a split second, not a sound escaping his victim’s mouth. But it didn’t stop there. He had another target. Or more like a collateral damage that couldn’t be left alive if the target was killed. He moved quickly behind a tree, passing a tent and arrived close to the fire. The woman didn’t have time to realize she wasn’t alone anymore, her breath left her lungs calmly when he killed her, leaving her inclined on the side, like she was sleeping. The only clue left of his killing was his bloody hands. He looked at them and escaping from the memory he screamed a raugh scream of fright.

He was trembling from head to toe. He had appreciated his technique, he had only seen how quick and sure his hands were. This disgusted him now that he had managed to come back. He had killed so easily and without any second thought. He felt empty at the time and that was the sad part. He had been just a tool, a machine to execute orders, an empty shell without any feelings. He was barely a man then.

He shook his head, felt his heart beating in his chest, all the diverse feelings pouring in his blood. At least now he felt alive, more alive than ever. He looked at his hands, accepting that he would perhaps never forget himself for all the killings he had done. He sighed, lowering his hands and breathing faintly, feeling his strength diminish again after this other memory. How many more would he be able to face before collapsing ? He tucked his hands in his pockets again, fiercely walking towards the darkness of the street.

I can smile at the old days

And suddenly it was there, the light of happier days of the past. It started slowly, he thought he was just noticing a house light from afar but it was in his head. The little warm light grew bigger and bigger and soon he couldn’t see and blinked rapidly entering the memory.

He was in an appartment, a shaby one at that but it felt so familiar he almost cried just there. He could hear noises coming from the kitchen, he felt his body moving towards the sound, wondering what was happening and already knowing it in his guts. It was an usual morning and he was there to meet a friend and have breakfast with him. He entered the room filled with morning sun coming through the window in front of him. And inside the light was standing a small silhouette, head down, blond hair shining in the rays of the sun. Everything from him screamed that he knew him and he was so happy to feel that he gasped for air. And then it all went warm and quiet when the boy turned around and faced him with his incredibly blue eyes, the very same he faced that time when he fought against him on the helicarrier.

It was Steve. But not Steve. It was him he was sure of it but he looked so tinier and frail, he couldn’t believe it was the same person. But then he smiled a cocky smile and he was sure of it. He was the same Steve that was Captain mighty America now. The same Steve that just decided to stop fighting him though he was risking his life. And all in the name of this old friendship he knew nothing about. Well now he got a glimpse of how much the tiny man seemed to mean to him back in the day he kind of understood it all.

This memory was soothing his mind and made him forget about the foul feelings he had remembering the first ones. He just wanted to stay there forever. But he couldn’t and the memory went on without waiting for him.

He stood there in front of Steve and he thought he said something to him and saw his eyes went wide. He saw his own hands extending a little box to the little man. He opened it and the rest was lost in a blur for the memory was over. A noise of frustration escaped his mouth when the light finally disappeared and he got back in the empty street in the cold wind.

Steve had looked so happy and excited about his present. He guessed that was the only thing that mattered for him at the time. Just seeing his friend, he could say the word now it felt perfect, seeing his friend being happy was enough to cheer him up and let him want to remember more.

Life was beautiful then

He walked til the end of the road and got himself lost in a park. The sudden change of scenery was welcomed as it made him breath even better. He felt his strength renewed thanks to nature. He slowed a little, taking in all the new sounds, the wind in the trees, the little animals flying away as he came close, the grass pressed under each of his steps. The sounds were muffled and yet more alive than in the street. It got his attention for a good while, a happy distraction after so many emotions. It rooted him in the present, in this life and made him consider himself as a real person, not just the shadow of an ancient friend. He felt alive and felt his strength come back to him. He could see himself when he got back from the school and was so proud that he protected his friend again. There he was inside a memory again but it all arrived so smoothly he didn’t even notice it. He could feel his joy inside his chest, an arm around his best friend, bringing him home while happily joking. Steve had once again provoked some stupid kids who were bullying a little girl and got beaten up as usual. He was used to find his friend in such a position, just taking punches after punches and asking for more. He didn’t know how he managed to resist that much but he did stand his ground every time. Sometimes Bucky didn’t arrive in time and had to pick him up bleeding on the ground, but at times he could manage to protect him as much as he could or at least not leave him alone in the fight. They often ended up coming home the two of them all bruised after fighting. The memory was calling for other memories and every single one was passing by in his mind and he was astonished at the frequency of them. It happened an incredibly huge amount of times through the years. He could feel himself grow up, build some muscles and manage to react way faster and finally scaring people away without as much as sweating. He was mighty and so sure of the goodness of his actions, it felt really good, like being someone’s hero. And he was a hero for Steve. Well kind of. Steve always managed to tell him he could perfectly survive without him.

He blinked a little taken aback. He so wanted to be important for Steve back in the day and in a way it hadn’t changed a bit. But Steve had always been strong minded and he just overlooked that every single time. He couldn’t possibly define himself as just someone strong and protective. He had to find what made him walk on or what could make him go forward in the future now that he was back.

He was surprised to find himself out of the park and back on the streets. He looked back and felt like a unique moment was over, he had to go through it but now he could go on without regret.

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

He resumed a slow pace, shoes echoing on the street and against the walls. He felt the familiar sensation of a new memory popping inside his head. He was relaxed and his mind was widely open so it barely made a difference to go back in his memory or stay in the present. He could go and come back easily now.

He was pleased to relive good memories all at once. Glimpses of happy days where he laughed his heart out with Steve. They did everything together, they were so close just like brothers. He hadn’t much memories without Steve in them. He was there when they tried new tricks or visited abandoned places that were forbidden. He was sitting in a corner always doodling, always drawing and his eyes lost in contemplation. He was different and had seemed peculiar to Bucky from the very first day he met him. He seemed frail and sickly but his mind was so strong it startled him. He got rebuffed the first time he tried an approach. Surely he looked like a bully trying to pick on Steve. Then when they got past their first uneasy conversation and both of them realized the other one was not a threat but someone really interesing, they just clicked and stayed together from this moment on.

His life seemed dull before and nothing came back to his mind, just empty days of the same routine on and on. But everything started to shine when he met Steve. Everything they did seemed incredible and fantastic.

How he’d like to revive this amazing friendship and light his life anew. Even just a little bit. He’d really like to feel this happy again. Perhaps he could, they both had a second chance at life due to unusual circumstances. They had to make the most of it.

Let the memory live again

He let the memories fill his head, softly smiling at the stupid things they did as kids, and being surprised at how important some words and gestures seemed at that time. He basked in these shiny days, never wanting to leave them. He had to talk to Steve, he realized suddenly. He had to tell him of all the things he could remember now, it would make him so happy to be able to share his past with someone who could understand it and even better, knew how important some little moments were. They could talk about it for hours now, finally Bucky was ready to share everything. He couldn’t wait to see how happy Steve would be to have his buddy back.

He stopped underneath a lamplight and took his phone from his pocket, feverishly writing a text message to Steve asking him to meet him in a park near home. He wanted them to be alone to talk about their past, he didn’t want any distraction to come and bother their moment. He felt it was all very intimate for him and he would have enough difficulty opening his heart to Steve, he didn’t need any other Avengers to come in and make a joke or block his faint courage.

He sent the text, really looking forward to this meeting and looked around him to assess his position. He had gone so far into the city he barely recognized where he was. He just decided to walk a little more and maybe find some street he would know. He realized that he had walked for hours and he couldn’t tell if it was late at night or really early in the morning anymore. He had sent a text to Steve in the middle of the night ! He couldn’t expect an immediate answer then. He felt a little bit sad at the thought of having to wait even more to meet him. But then Steve had waited so long for him to get his memories back, he had been patient enough, Bucky could surely do the same just for some hours more.

He had spent such an emotionnally exhausting night, every little step back was like a major blow to his guts. He felt nauseous all of the sudden.

Every street lamp seems to beat a fatalistic warning

He had to wait again and his brain wasn’t finished torturing him with sad memories it seemed. With his foul mood came a really dark and tormented memory. He could feel it was going to end bad right from the start. It was cold, windy, snow was falling and covered everything in a shade of white that hurt his eyes. He barely saw anything but he could feel the hurt. Not from falling. Falling had been the easiest part. It hurt right when he realized he couldn’t reach the helping hand that tried desperately to catch him. The panic he felt was echoed in the eyes of his friend, full of fear and despair in a split second. He could still remember the way his blonde hair waved in the wind as he gripped the train tighter and watched him draw away.

He felt sadness instantly, sure he wouldn’t ever see his friend again.

He stopped walking, breath caught in his lungs, he forced it to get out and inhaled again, his whole body shaking now. He just kneeled there, still working on his breath, fighting the pain and sadness that were getting hold of him. He couldn’t possibly fight that day. The day he died. He was there on a mission like many other missions they had done together and he knew how dangerous it was. The fight was hard even for Steve and he had to protect his friend. Still he wasn’t ready to give him up, he definitely didn’t want to go that early right after being reunited with him again. He felt his heart bursting from all the regret he had to be separated from his best buddy.

He couldn’t shake off the sorrow he felt while falling. And now that fall seemed to last a lifetime. He had enough time then to realize everything that he was losing, his life as a fighter resisting the oppression, his comrades of the Howling Commandos, even the french one who talked funny, his chance to make a difference in this world. And Steve.

He gasped for air and felt a ball of emotions exploding in him and he couldn’t hold it in anymore, and it got out with sobs and cries of absolute hopelessness. He felt his eyes burn and closed them, letting everything go, his face flooded with tears. He panted between every cry, trying to get through this rush of emotions as best as he could, letting his body express what was trapped in his heart for so long. He opened his eyes, lift his head up looking at the sky in a plea for help from whoever could be there. But tears were demanding to be shed and his sadness was filling his whole body, he couldn’t stop crying just right now. With the sobs came back many more details of that precise moment and it hurt him even more. The both of them fighting so well together, even managing to make a joke before everything ended. How he rushed to Steve’s help, how well balanced the shield felt in his hand. And then it was gone.

He had nothing left in him to cope with this loss. He just stayed there empty and still crying.

Someone mutters, the street lamp gutters

And as if to give him some privacy, all the street lamps went off suddenly, leaving him in a darkness that so suited the blackness of his thoughts. He was pressing his eyes desperately tight trying to escape from this infinite sadness. He couldn’t see a moment when his cries would stop, he just felt so lost and alone with nothing to ever brighten his thoughts again. So he just let his body get rid of all his emotions, he lost himself in his sobs, just trying to keep breathing as often as possible, he stopped wiping his tears, new ones were just appearing every second anyway. He felt as a child in the night. Nothing appeared in his mind, it was blank, dark and empty as infinity. But with every cry a part of his sadness went away. His body soon tired of this exertion and calmed itself little by little. Tiny sobs still made his chest heave from time to time until he could breath almost quietly again. He noticed the blackness he was in and lift his head to watch the dead streelamps unhelpful above him. He was so weary that he didn’t feel anything anymore. He just stayed there still kneeling on the street, letting his body recover. He was drained from all energy and unexpectedly calm at last.

He got his sensations back, felt his tense muscles and rolled his shoulders to ease them. He slowly tried to get back up, his legs completely numb made him take more time to achieve that simple action.

As he stood up again he took a deep breath of cold night air, refreshing and waking up is worn body. He eventually wiped the tears cooling on his cheeks and looked around him, startled by the obscurity of the streets. He thought it was already dark before but now it was pitch black, like no one existed in this world and he was the only one still breathing. It felt strange but natural. The night had that power to make you feel both lonely or quite unique.

He realized he just had been through the sadest and most powerful of his memories. And he got out. But he felt a little bit too empty to know what he ought to do with all the knowledge he acquired during the night. He just enjoyed having his mind quiet and empty for a while.

Gradually he got his senses back and after crying that much, eyes swollen and small, he really needed to take a break.

And soon it will be morning

He looked around and chose a path randomly, letting his body make the choice instinctively. He felt his legs aching with every step he took. He felt old, and for someone born in the 20s it was quite appropriate. The pain was welcomed, it made him feel more alive and real, it connected him to the world and reminded him of his body, of its utility, of how it helped him through hardships. Even his new arm had saved him from many dangerous situations and though he hated it and would despise it for a long time he couldn’t deny the fact that he relied on it on a daily basis. He had gotten used to it and had managed to master it. It was a strong asset he didn’t want to be left over.

He looked at his left hand, turning it, closing his fist, watching as the different parts articulated between themselves, how smooth the movement was. He didn’t have any sensations and he really missed the touch of clothes on his arm, the touch of a hand close, trying to get hold of him. Anything could happen to this arm and he wouldn’t notice a thing, burn it, cut it, grab it, anything. He could feel when someone tried to pull at his shirt as it made the fabric rub against the junction between his flesh and the metal. His skin was sensitive there and he felt his muscles struggle with this odd link. By now his shoulder was throbbing with every beat of his heart. He tried and made it move again, trying to ease the tension that had built there during the night.

As he turned his arm he noticed a blue gleam on it and stopped. For a moment there he just stared at the metal shining in a very weak light and it didn’t feel as much an alien part as before. It kind of glowed with its own light, it was actually remarkable.

He raised his head finally noticing the sky being a little less dark than the streets. The night was starting to end. As was his walk through his memories. He felt there wasn’t much more for him to remember.

One thing he remembered then was that he had left a message to Steve to meet with him and if the guy ever read the message in the morning he had to be there. But right now he was in the complete opposite side of town and if he ever wanted to be there one day he needed to start walking immediately.

He felt his muscles shake lightly on his legs and arms even to his fingertips. It felt like he could pass out any minute now and his heart was beating way too fast for its own good. He tried to regulate his breath and started walking faster, getting to a good pace. Letting his body do the work, leaving his mind free to go back again or just wander on unimportant little things.

Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise

Now that so many parts of his memories were clear to him he felt he could finally face the future with a stronger mind. He knew who he was and had been in the distant past. He had found himself again. Now he wanted to find Steve and share everything he learned with him, test his reminiscences and their accuracy in light of his friend’s precise memories. He wanted to start their precious friendship anew, feel the bond he could almost touch in the recollections of their youth together.

The sky felt lighter, the dark blue was ever changing, the air stood still and no sound could be heard. It was even quieter than before, like the whole world expected the birth of a new day. All the night birds were back in their nests and even the lonely barking dogs seemed to have retreated to sleep. He shivered in that special cold which precedes day. He didn’t feel it as a threat anymore, it was more of a wake up call, a grasp into a new day. It washed away his tiredness and pacified his mind.

He started pondering on more recent events since he met Steve again. Every reaction, gesture, and word from him made perfect sense now. He couldn’t believe how trusting and a little bit nuts Steve had been. He acted with such loyalty to him even though he was the one attacking and hurting him. Damn he had hurt his pretty face badly when he was still fighting against him. He was in such a turmoil at that time and yet he had felt deep in his bones how important Steve was and had saved him from drowning. Everything was not so lost about him. He felt quite amazed at how his mind worked back then, it felt like a blank at the time but he had sensed a rush of emotions he hadn’t felt in ages. His world had started rocking in all directions and the only thing that was remotely constant in all this nonsense was this Captain America man. Trying to be killed with his shiny blue and red costume. He was a really special kind of a man that was for sure. He didn’t go to war hiding behind his shield, he pushed it in front of him, making way to his strength and boldness. That man was a rock and he was lucky he didn’t want to beat him up but instead he had wanted to bring him back from the cold and lonely place he had been trapped in all those years. He had known right from the start he could lean on him even though he was a little frightened of all the history they supposedly had together. He recoiled at every mention of the old Bucky, and it must have hurt Steve really hard. He could still see his shocked face everytime he talked to him in a harsh way, dismissing his memories as unimportant and bothersome. Trying as much as he could to avoid him even. He had looked like a puppy, following him everywhere, trying to grasp any hint of a kind gesture and attention. He was so strong in a battlefield but put him in a room with his old amnesic pal and he was just lost. And yet he had believed all along he could get his friend back, never flinching nor tiring. He knew in his guts his Bucky would come back. He had seemed really silly back then but now it was different.

Bucky felt so thankful now for him to have battled and stood in front of him so many times, sure he was meant to be there with him, persuaded that even if he didn’t get his memories back they were meant to be friends anyway. He recalled his radiant face and confident eyes that always faced him straight, never backing away, never looking anywhere but at him. He had felt impressed and still was. He had wanted to escape from that fierce look but not anymore, he wanted to see it again and give it back.

He sped up a little bit more, eager to arrive soon enough in the park where he hoped Steve would meet him up. He was racing against the sun that was almost getting up by now.

I must think of a new life

As he paced at a fairly quick speed he thought of how meeting with Steve was just the starting point of his new future. Now that he had finally got out of his haze and put everything in place in his mind he felt clear and whole again, so full of energy and will. He felt that he had spent so much time scared of all those memories he had to get back that he didn’t do anything remotely important to build his new life. He had spent so much time wondering what he was supposed to do in front of Steve that he just couldn’t focus on any other topic. He remembered the nights where he tried to avoid everyone, just losing himself in any hidden place, brooding over his problems that weren’t evolving at all.

How light his head felt now, he didn’t need loneliness, he dreaded it now. After an entire night alone in the street, battered by his saddest memories he needed company. After all this time as an assassin, a killing maching, mute and anonymous, he wanted to be seen and heard, he wanted the people who stood by him to know it wasn’t all for nothing. He did it, he had his memories back and now he could build friendships with them, he felt sure about that. He wanted to repay their patience and kindness, especially Steve’s. He wanted to show him how his efforts did make a difference, how they changed his life and probably saved him from a life of regret and half lived moments.

He wanted to see him smile, to see his happy face when he’d realize it was true, his friend was back and remembered everything about him. It sure would be a nice sight to behold. He wanted to let all their private jokes come back into their conversations, their shared memories talked about in the morning sun, their sad moments only whispered in the faiding light of the evening, and true words of affection spoke all day to enlighten his life. He needed time with Steve, he wanted to revisit all the places where they used to hang out when they were little, make him draw again and make him show every single one of his drawings. He loved the soft touch of his pencil on the paper, the quiet sound it made when he used to draw the city from his room where he was forced to lie down on his bed, his asthma worse than ever.

Now they could go anywhere and Steve would be able to draw mountains and deep forests because now he had a perfect health, something he had only dreamt of. He needed to go and visit places instead of just working like a log and saving people all day long.

The future looked bright again and all the clouds that were obscuring it during such a long time were finally gone. He was walking towards it feeling joy bursting in his heart, still walking incredibly fast, covering miles easily. He couldn’t wait to arrive.

And I mustn't give in

The only problem was that along with the happy memories he remembered all the bad ones. And he didn’t know how much it would parasite his brain. Some images that flashed in his mind were gruesome and he could now understand what they meant and he didn’t like what it showed about him. Of course he was manipulated and brainwashed but it didn’t excuse everything. He had commited murders, more than anyone in the world. He had been killing during 70 years, only awaken from the ice when needed. And he was good at it, he excelled at killing people in crowded places where no other assassin would have tried. He remembered how determined he was, how organizing the killing focused his attention and how he felt a rush of adrenaline whenever he got close. He then felt nothing when he actually did the killing and he liked this more than anything. Just this blank space in his head, pushing away any thought or emotion that could disturb him. And sometimes when he was out of the ice for a long period he could have strange thoughts coming to him and he didn’t know how to interpret them. He would see a face in a shop, a small face on a pack of collector cards and he strangely felt longing and ache in his heart. It was faint and as if under a fog but it was there. And he didn’t have any tool at his disposal to remove it or erase it. He knew perfectly how to erase a man’s life but he couldn’t begin to control what was happening in his brain.

When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory, too

He stopped a moment, realizing only now that the guy on the cards was Captain America, it was Steve. And despite all the treatments they did on him he couldn’t forget his best friend.

How could he be sure he wouldn’t come back to his old killer self ? He was a killing machine for so long, longer than his life before the fall. He had spent all these years killing, what made him think he was out of it and safe now ? Maybe the way he was now was the anomaly and would become just a dream if he went to sleep and forget about it in the morning.

He shivered, all his purpose only worked if he kept his brain’s entirety as it was right now. And he wasn’t sure whether he would stay sane or not even now that he got his memories back. Won’t the rush of gory images be too much for him at night ? Would he wake up still inside his memory and try to kill someone again ? He feared himself, and he feared for Steve who was so close to him.

And a new day will begin

He took a deep breath of fresh air, watching the sky as it grew brighter. He hesitated. He wanted to share everything he remembered with Steve and he was scared it would lead to another disappointment if he was to retrogress into the soldier driven only by his missions. What if his flailing memory was going to erase itself again and make him forget everything he remembered tonight ? What if he forgot about Steve again ?

He couldn’t bear the thought, he couldn’t just let this happen. And even if it was meant to happen he had to make the most of it as long as he could. He had to share everything before his body could fail him. He needed to go faster to meet with Steve. If he could just have an hour or a day with him he would be so glad, that forgetting everything afterwards didn’t look so hard. Well no it looked horrible and he didn’t want to think about that or else he would panick. But it would be even more horrifying to lose his memories without even having a moment of happiness with his finally remembered friend.

Burnt out ends of smokey days

He wouldn’t care about losing most of his memories though. He still remembers the smell of burnt bodies during the war. The awful stench in the trenches, when mud recovered everything and it was unbearable on hot days. The faces of comrades lost or wound beyond repair, agonizing with their hand grasped on his shirt. The screams followed him even in his nightmares that awoke him constantly already at that time. He got used to walking in the middle of the night to shake of the feeling but it never worked because he was still trapped in this hell hole.

His days with the howling commando were happy compared to the trenches, he had a team of strong and decent men who weren’t afraid of going to battle but were actually really good at surviving. It felt great to come back so often from their missions, no one missing, no screams heard and no new nightmares. He had a series of nightmares from his time in captivity at the hands of Zola and these were the more frightening he had.

The soothing face of Steve made everything else go away, he focused on the missions and on his friend and he finally felt ok. He was starting to feel really at ease and hope for the future but he had seen so much of the war that he wasn’t really surprised when his fall happened. His brain knew it was only logical, it was a battle and they had put their lives at stake. It’s his heart that didn’t quite catch up with the sound reasoning.

The stale cold smell of morning

He had countless memories of him waking up in the ice, fighting to breathe until some scientist cared to open for him and absent mindedly warmed him back to normal. He had seen so many different faces everytime he woke up he discovered new people and didn’t know that he had awoken before. So every time, he wondered where he was and what happened to him. It was horrifying now that he had all his memories back, he knew now how many times they lied to him, how many times they put him back on the ice.

He never got the feeling it was that many but now he remembered every single one of them and it was too much for him. He kept thinking about breathing to stay calm but he felt panic could take hold of him at any moment now. He had to put those memories at bay so that he could focus on the good ones until he reached Steve. But he still felt the cold hands of ice creeping over his entire body when he was dismissed like an object and put back in a cupboard. He was nothing more than a tool.

A street lamp dies, another night is over

He lifted his head up, he was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t realize he was closing in on his destination faster than he thought. He took a moment, making himself think of his meeting with Steve to forget everything about ice. It was hard to do but Steve was like the sun and as soon as he’d meet him he was sure it would melt his fears and sadness away, crushing the bad memories into nothingness. The sun was about to rise he could see it in the color of the sky, changing from dark blue to a lighter shade of blue and pink was starting to appear. It gave him hope. The darkness was receding, driven away by the powerful bright light just hiding on the horizon. The city was losing her lonely night atmosphere and life as light was rushing back on the streets. He could see many more details, tiny pieces of animation, little animals running, birds flying around and starting chanting happily at the prospect of a new day full of possibilites.

Another day is dawning

He breathed slowly, opening his senses to the new day beginning, feeling the touch of the air getting warmer, the wind was gone and the air was still as it was expecting the sun, patiently waiting for it to come up. He heard the many chirps of so many different birds at the same time he didn’t know he could ever hear so many songs at the same time. And yet in all this mess there was a melody and a beauty he enjoyed. His feet made very little sounds and their echo was muffled after being so loud on the empty streets when the night was still young. It was like awakening inside a cutton cloud. It eased the turmoil of his thoughts. He was still confused, overwhelmed by the sheer number of memories his brain was computing. He needed something to stop his thoughts, someone to be his anchor, he needed Steve.

Touch me! It's so easy to leave me!

He arrived under the tree in the park, looking everywhere to make sure he didn’t miss Steve. He looked at the time and realized he was far too early. He couldn’t stay in place so he just walked in the park, shooting at rocks, looking at trees, his mind always going back to the arrival of his friend. As if it hold the key to his well being.

Steve appeared on the path where Bucky was walking and smiled when he recognized his friend. Even so early in the morning he looked fresh and strong. Bucky’s heart skipped a heartbeat, it was like watching a memory come to life, all the images of their moments together came back to him, everything he remembered during the night still vivid in his mind. The memories faded away against the bright and open face he saw at that moment. He was even better looking than before, when he didn’t care as much for him, when he had nothing to link them together.

When Steve was close enough he took him in his arms, hugging him tightly, finally connecting the scent with his memories. Steve didn’t move or say a word, he just embraced his friend.

All alone with the memory of my days in the sun

“You always smelled really nice in the mornings, you have the same scent.” He could feel Steve freeze in his arms. “I always loved to come and wake you up in the mornings, there was this little window in the corner where the sun started coming shining on your bed at the time when i arrived. It looked so peaceful i always ended up curled in your bed, sharing the light with you.” He could feel Steve’s heavy breaths as he was overwhelmed with emotions. “But what i prefered where the nights when we just walked in the city, finding a remote spot from where we could see the stars and you told me all their names and their stories, the legends about them. It was so beautiful I wanted it to last forever. We ended up falling asleep in the cold but I always made sure you had a jacket and I even took you in my arms to keep you warm.” Now he felt Steve’s shoulders shaking crazily. “You were so cold sometimes, cold as ice and i was so afraid of what it could mean for your health. I clinged to you, afraid of losing you on those harsh winter nights. I forbade you to ever come out of the bed so if you ever wanted something to drink or eat or your sketchbook i always got up and took it for you, making sure you stayed under the covers at all times. I even scolded you sometimes, i was so harsh because i was scared.” Steve squeezed his friend closer than ever in his arms.

If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is

He heard a small voice speak through little breathes “You… remember ?” Bucky’s heart filled with emotions and he thought he was going to cry just like that. He caressed Steve’s back and whispered in his ear “I remember everything.” He felt his friend bury himself deeper on his neck and body and he never wanted to let go. “I remember our lives before the war, our youths even, I remember you after the serum and our missions together. I remember… my fall” His voice broke a little on the word and Steve straightened up taking a step back so he could watch his face. “And i remember every mission i had to do for Hydra…” He ended up saying, very gloomy. Steve took his face in his hands, looking him straight in the eyes, gauging how much pain he was remembering now. “I’m so sorry Bucky…”

He frownef “No you don’t get it, i’m glad ! So glad that i can finally remember you !” He placed his hands on Steve’s. “The best moments of my life were with you and i never want to forget them again !” Steve’s cheeks were reddening and his eyes, his impossibly blue eyes were shining so brightly at him he couldn’t bare to look at them and took his friend in his arms again. Feeling his warmth and new body so strong under his hands, he needed to get used to him being so muscular. But the smoothness of his skin was the same. “Even when you were ill you always had a pretty skin, so thin and soft it almost felt like a lady’s” He heard Steve’s laugh and he loved that sound. “I want to make new memories with you” The air stilled around them, Steve even held his breath waiting for more. “I have so many unpleasant memories in my head, they are going in circles and i know i won’t get away from them unless i erase them and replace them with new stories.” Steve reached up and found Bucky’s hair, gently stroking it to help ease the way for the words to come out. “I want to make our happy memories live again, i want to be happy with you Steve”

Look, the new day has begun


End file.
